hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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