she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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