Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
