He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
