this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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