Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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