Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
