Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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