I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
