if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
