girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
