Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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