Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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