My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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