He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
