He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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