Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
