FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
