8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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