I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
