The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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