At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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