My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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