I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
