I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
