you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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