Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
