dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize