She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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