The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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