words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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