there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
