There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
