i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
