hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
