Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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