He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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