ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
