I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
