So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
