Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The air taste purple.
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