Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
