I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
