you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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