did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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