if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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