don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
