you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
