I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
