dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
