Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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