another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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