News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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