You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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