Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
