I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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