mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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