Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't deserve a penis
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
