I bet he comes in French.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
