I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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