My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
