I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
